Here’s something you won’t hear me (or any other liberal, leftwing feminist) say very often: I read an article that I liked and agreed with in the Daily Mail. The article, ‘Not now, Darling, Mummy’s Tweeting‘, unsurprisingly stirred up a lot of discussion amongst the mothers I follow on Twitter. Understandably, people felt defensive. The article has a strong headline and some of the tone is harsh. ‘Neglect’ is a very strong term and nobody wants to be accused of neglecting their children. But look beyond the moments of harsh rhetoric and I think that Liz Fraser makes an important point.
Since I acquired my iPhone around 2 years ago, my craving for constant information has become increasingly persistent. First thing I do when I wake up is check my email. Then I check Twitter. I look at the Guardian iPhone app, my RSS reader, and most recently, Instagram. Whenever I get a spare five minutes I repeat the whole process, checking all of these for updates repeatedly through the day. While I eat my breakfast I scroll through Twitter; sometimes I tweet, but often I’m just reading what everyone else is up to. The thought that there are people out there, conversing with each other, and that I might be missing out on the latest must-read blog post or bit of juicy gossip makes me a little nervous. As I potter through the day, my internal monologue converts my thoughts into concise, faintly amusing tweets.
All of this didn’t worry me too much. There are a lot of positives to being online: before I had my iPhone I just wouldn’t have had time to read the news (with a toddler who wants to be involved in everything I do and baby who likes to get up to mischief, using a laptop or desktop through the day with my kids is a near-impossibility). Twitter has connected me with some fantastic people: creative, funny, interesting and supportive. Blogging has given me a new layer of purpose and fortified my sense of self.
But recently there have been times when I’ve been sucked into Twitter too much. When my two-year-old is saying “Mummy, put your telephone down. Mummy, don’t send a message”, it’s a big reminder where my priorities should lie.
Coincidentally, just two days ago, I imposed a new rule in our house: no TV between 10.00 and 4.30. I’d been giving in to requests for Cbeebies too often and our TV time had crept up and up. It’s actually worked surprisingly well – giving a firm rule seems to have removed a lot of the “I want Cbeebies”, “No”, “I want Cbeebies”, “No”, “I want Cbeebies”, “No”… [repeat ad infinitum] that had previously plagued our days at home. But a side-effect of this has been that I can’t spend the time I used to hanging out on Twitter, or otherwise absorbed online. We’ve spent more time keeping each other entertained, and today has been surprisingly peaceful.
Dealing with demands for attention from your kids can become a vicious circle. Sometimes I find that the more they demand attention, the more desperate I get for five minutes to myself, but of course they sense this and their demands become more persistent. Sometimes trying to get that online fix causes more of the stress I’m trying to avoid. Snatching five minutes to catch up on Twitter while the TV blared in the background was supposed to give me a chance for peace and quiet, but the results are often more chaotic.
Some of the points in the article seemed exaggerated. The image of “playgrounds and toddler groups suddenly being full of parents not playing with their children, but texting friends, or chatting on the phone” doesn’t ring true to me – I was at toddler group this morning and can’t recall seeing one person on their phone; we all talked to each other and talked to our kids. The sort of ‘neglect’ and ‘damaged children’ that the psychologists talked about represent rare and extreme cases.
However, I really agree with the overall point of the article. It is important to spend time with your kids, and give them the respect and attention they deserve. Some of the conversation I saw on Twitter today seemed to interpret the article as “if you’re on Twitter, you’re a crap mother”, but that isn’t what I got from it at all. Liz Fraser admitted that she’s just as bad as the rest of us, and worries that she spends too much time online herself. I thought her tone was thoughtful and supportive.
It seems that spending time online is just one more aspect of the constant motherly conflict and guilt – balancing working with caring for your children, defining yourself as a person and fulfilling your role as a mother. Personally, I really appreciated the reminder to appreciate my time with my children and balance my priorities.
Beautifully put.
Thank you. 🙂
Do you know what? I completely agree with you. After reading the article this morning, I admit I was a bit “how dare they” but afterwards I realised just how much time I spend on my iPhone. The fact that the battery dies at least twice a day should tell me this alone.
I’d like to think that I don’t ignore or neglect my children but I have been known to say “hold on a minute” while I’m reading something. It’s not going to go anywhere, so from tomorrow morning I am going to cut back my phone time. My life won’t end, it will probably be a lot easier. And I’ll have plenty to catch up on when the kids are in bed! (ignoring husbands is ok isn’t it…?)
X
Yes, I think the problem with the article is that they chose some very negative words and phrases because they knew it would grab attention, but actually the spirit of it is something for us all to think about.
You’ll have to let us know how cutting down goes. Think I may have been a bit smug yesterday, my ‘no telly’ regime was bloody hard work this morning!
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I spent a lot of December on Twitter and actually started getting somewhere. as you know it takes time to forge relationships and get chatting. But my girls were in front of CBeebies morn til night and that was my wake up call. When I put the pc away and suggested going out, I got moans and ‘My watch CBeebies mummy’ uh-oh Massive wake up call.
I took the conscious decision to concentrate on my blog and where time allows, visit others and get to know people that way and leave Twitter to one side.
Result? I haven’t been on this year yet!
I’d love to, don’t get me wrong. I just can’t fit it in my day without putting the girl’s needs to one side AND I’ve often wondered how others are managing. How do they do it? I find I have to agree with you on this wholeheartedly. In Sept the girls start pre school and maybe then I’ll be able to get on a for an hour or 2.
Great read
I think you’re right that watching telly leads to more demands for telly. The alternative is hard work, but I’ve chosen to be at home with my kids so need to make a good job of it.
I’ve been making an effort to read more blogs too. I recently got the hang of Google reader, which has made it a lot easier. I think Twitter can be great for support and conversation but that’s not how I want to use it. I like the relationships you build with reading blogs. Thanks for your comment, really interesting.
When my husband pointed out that my phone spent more time “plugged in” each day than his does over a week it made me realise just how much time I spend on-line each day. Whenever, I sit down the first thing I do is get my phone out and start checking various social media accounts. I tried going “cold turkey” for a couple of days but, that didn’t work so now I’m working on controlling my “habit”!
Fab post. I hadn’t read the article, but I agree with you. I try to restrict my online time to DD’s nap time and after she’s gone to bed but I often crave some ‘me’ time with my blog. I too feel that ‘Blogging has given me a new layer of purpose and fortified my sense of self’, and I’m not ready to give that up. Spending quality time with DD is vitally important and something I will not sacrifice, but keeping the ‘me’ in Mummy is important too.
I think you’ve got the right idea – I think the time I grab online when the kids want my attention is ultimately unsatisfying. The downside is that since I’ve started blogging, I get a lot less sleep!
Great post – interknitting, as I like to call it, is so very addictive, but such a perfect means of escapism.
Speaking of quality ways to spend time online amidst kiddie-chaos, I mentioned you in a recent post: http://www.manana-mama.com/2011/02/flying-in-thunderstorms.html
~M
I think the problem with the piece was in fact the headline suggesting that mothers were ‘neglecting’ their children. Strong word to use but of course, this is the Daily Mail that we are talking about here!
That said, I do have to say that the actual article was well balanced and fair. I’m sorry that so many mothers seem to have taken it as an ‘attack’ when I’m sure it wasn’t meant that way and I didn’t read it that way!
Great post x
It’s not just with children…when I talk to my boyfriend on Skype in the evening, I often find myself zoning out and checking facebook and various distracting websites…it’s weird because I don’t want him to think I’m not concentrating, so it’s stressful trying to multitask by reading and talking, flicking back and forth, and yet there’s this compulsion to do it!! I have to remind myself “This is the man I love, who I really really want to talk to and look at, and that is more important than any website”. It is, and yet there’s something about the internet that’s so attention-destroying.
Hi Mary. 😀 Thanks for your comment, it’s lovely to know that you’re reading and keeping up with me and my little family. I’ve been reading your new blog today and added it to my reader, I’m really looking forward to hearing how you get on.
It must be difficult maintaining a relationship online – I try to get balance by turning it all off and going out in the fresh air, but of course when you’re sitting at the computer to talk to someone, the distractions are right there. I read an article recently about attention spans getting shorter, people being unable to engage with even a long newspaper article, let alone a book, and I worry that my brain is heading in that direction!
I’d love it if you come back and comment again. 🙂
oh I just saw that you replied to my comment! I guess I thought it would email me or something if you did that. Yes hi! it’s fascinating to read about you and the children, who are both very beautiful by the way.
I’ve read alot of articles as well about how we’re all destroying or reprogramming our brains through using technology but I tend to think it’s just all too sensationalist and any real changes would surely be minimal, right?! that said, children in school are all pretty nightmareish and I’m always quick to blame too many computer games, but I think there’s a confounding variable of late nights and sleep deprivation as well!
My blog is very neglected, I have lots of things to say about teaching but no time to blog them in, as the PGCE is very labour intensive and when I finish work I tend to talk to Mario and go straight to bed. Hopefully I’ll manage to revive it once I get some work/life balance…maybe in July 😉
Great post, and I was as shocked as you were about agreeing with something the Daily Mail printed 🙂
Like a lot of people, I think it’s all about finding the balance and for me, it means imposing strict restrictions on myself.
I don’t have a Twitter or Facebook account, my phone doesn’t even go online and I’m really only at the computer when my son is napping or someone else is here to interact with him.
I feel like I’ve had to take these pretty harsh steps or it would be so, so easy for me (as a sahm) to spend all day online instead of with my child.
Thanks for your comment. It’s really interesting that you’re not on Twitter, yet people read your blog anyway! A lesson for the rest of us?!
I think your comment hints at an important point that’s been playing on my mind too: I think the end of the DM article implied that a woman’s place is in the home etc etc, which of course is wrong – but if you CHOOSE to be a SAHM then you owe it to your child to at least try to make a decent job of it.
I love your blog, by the way, it’s my new favourite and I’ve added it to my blogroll.
I hate to admit it but for once I agree with the Daily Mail too…..ssshhhh!!! don’t tell anyone! I think some of the article was probably too strongly worded but I sometimes nip onto Twitter whilst I’m at work and see the same old people Tweeting away. Now I would never suggest that they are neglecting their children but I’ve often wondered what their kids are doing whilst they are spending all day on Twitter.
I’m glad that it didn’t exist when chick was small as I know I would’ve struggled to be a SAHM mum and not Tweet during the day. Mainly I only Tweet at night when she’s gone to bed as I get to spend veyr little time with her anyway!!!!
It’s great to read a post about it that I actually agree with 🙂
Well written. I especially like your point about the internal monologue. My brother told me about an article he read about our generation becoming programmed to summarise their life, in an exciting way, in 140 characters and that scared me. Especially as we were sat next to each other twiddling on iphones while my Dad chatted to real people on the phone.
As always I reckon it’s a balancing act, like you blogging has given me a much needed part of myself back, but it can too easily take over, as can my i phone.
Great post. 1 of the main reasons I’ve stopped using twitter is the amount of time it was taking from my day; I think it had become an addiction.
The story’s here if you’re interested http://whiskeyforaftershave.com/2011/01/04/i-am-resolved/
I can’t decide if it would be appropriate to tweet this now! Maybe I could do it ironically? I’m too tired to decide, I think I’ll just leave it… 😉